The absolute, 100% raw, real and sobering truth is that I ache for my home. I ache for my hometown and my family and even (I may kick myself for saying this) the snow.
The real truth is that I’ve been running my whole life. I have been running away from myself and to myself simultaneously. I have lost myself and found myself a thousand times.
I love traveling, I’ve loved all my experiences, and I’ve had an amazing time – but this current move – this time, it’s different.
The minute I stepped off that plane my heart ached for home.
Of course, this has happened before. When I travel I always miss my family, cooking and having a full kitchen, and the simple things like going over to my parent’s house to pick vegetables in the garden or extract the honey from the beehives or sit by the fire.
Since a young girl I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Maine. A large part of me loved playing in the woods and going sledding and working on the farm down the road. A large part of me also hated the cold winters and the feeling of isolation.
And then there was the part of me that wanted to get out.
The part of me that needed and wanted to explore the world more than anything else. I wanted to escape and fight against my family and my roots and I wanted to be anywhere but home.
And that’s exactly what I did. I ran. I did go to school at USM in Portland, Maine, but in between semesters I traveled and I took time off to volunteer teach English because I just couldn’t stay put. I couldn’t stay put because I couldn’t face myself. I couldn’t face myself, and I was searching for an answer to who I really was.
I was looking for answers outside of myself. I was looking for truth and satisfaction and something else to make me happy. I was looking everywhere but inside myself.
Because I couldn’t face myself, I couldn’t face the mess I was inside, I couldn’t face that I was a mess BECAUSE I wasn’t being true to myself.
The funny part is, though I was in fact running, this running has allowed me to explore. I’ve explored many corners of the Earth, many corners that have allowed me to discover the inner workings of my heart. There’s no doubt that Thailand helped me face myself in the mirror. I needed that time and space to really start to discover what was inside me.
But Thailand did not heal me. Neither did all of my trips around Asia or South America or the people I met. Yes, they were all stepping stones. The people I met and the places I traveled to have helped me learn many things that I needed to learn and discover. But they did not heal me.
They were helpers that guided and alleviated the pain when it became too heavy, but the switch, the only thing that brought me the peace I was looking for was when I was finally honest with myself.
Not till this trip to Japan have I finally had what I (think) is a final slap in my face, telling me to WAKE UP.
I have never been more aware that no trip, no job, no food, no person, or anything outside of me will ever fix me (or you) or make me (or you) happy or heal me (or you).
Not till you own up to your real dreams and desires within your heart, (yes, those ones you’re scared to look at because then you might have to actually do the work), will you find the peace you are looking for.
Though many times it’s necessary to have some (or a lot!) of guidance, on their own, no yoga class, spiritual retreat, healer or any other healing method, meditation teacher, herb, spiritual journey or whatever it is that you’re grasping for – not one of these things will truly heal you like the sobering effect of finally facing yourself in the mirror, and speaking your own truth to yourself. You MUST do the work on your end in conjunction with these other healing modalities.
(To be clear, I would NOT be where I am without the help of all of these things and more – but not until I truly accepted myself and looked at myself in the mirror did I truly make lasting change).
So let me reintroduce myself.
My name is KateLyn Beeckel. I have been running my whole life.
I have been running from myself, but in the process, I have discovered myself, and I have discovered many truths.
And the truth is: I love travel, but my heart also aches for my home. My heart aches for companionship and a simple life. I love to cook and throw small dinner parties for family and friends. I’m kind of good at a lot of things.
I love helping people and that is my true passion. I’ve been scared to truly pursue this passion because I didn’t believe I was good enough.
But now I know I am. I’m taking steps to make my true dream become a reality, planning my next steps to further my education in order to truly do the work I love more fully and effectively.
I’m ready to come home to myself and my truth. I’m ready to face the challenge.
I’m ready to face it because it hurts too much not to. The pain of not doing what my heart has always told me to do is trumping the fear of staying put. Of staying home, of facing myself. Of breaking the mold and breaking the persona of “world traveler” that I’ve created.
The truth is, though, that I’ll always be a traveler. I’ll always love to physically go places, explore and eat good food. But I’m also a traveler within.
By “running”, I simultaneously found myself. I ran from myself just to find out that no matter where you go, YOU are still there, and your inner workings and burning desires remain. I’m discovering what brings me joy and what brings others joy. I’m discovering how simple life really can be.
I want to find joy in the simple pleasures of life. I want to figure out how I can create a life full of these moments, and I want to help you do that, too.